I have a major relationship problem and I need your advice.
The situation is a little complicated, however, I am going to summarize it nice and simple. Here we go:
I have been with my youngest daughter’s father for over 7 years. I have two kids prior to him, ages 8 and 7 years old. He came into their lives when they were 1 and 2 years old. We had our daughter in 2008 (she is now 4), so he accepted my kids prior to us having kids together.
At the time, when we met, we rushed into moving in with each other fairly quickly, however, we were ready and wanted to be with each other.
Well, my relationship with my mother isn’t all that great and he knows of the things in which she has done, and caused in my life. At the time we moved in together my mom held a grudge against me because I wouldn’t take custody of my older cousins’ 5 kids, who got lost to CYF. I didn’t take custody of them because I have my own darn life and I had my own 2 kids, so it was not my responsibility. So, instead of coming to me with this, my mother went to him and told him all this negative stuff about me, which was not true. In return, he came and told me and I just turned away from my family. Furthermore, my mom went to the extent to almost break me and him up; he’s into the fast life and she tried to bring him down!!!! Enough said right there.
So, he in return HATES HER! He also does not get along with my younger sister and it’s understandable. She did some negative things that she won’t take responsibility for. In conclusion, he chooses to stay away from them and he doesn’t want to breathe their same AIR. And, for 7 years, I did exactly what he requested.
All the while, I stayed away from my family. I missed them dearly. My children could not have a relationship with their grandmother, or aunt, and a big part of me was missing. I knew what it was, but didn’t care. I guess you can say I started questioning him and asking him if he could just give it another chance because I was missing my family terribly. I know they are corrupted, but they are my FAM! He refuses and says they have done too much for him to trust them, and I understand that, but I need closure so that I can be happy again. However, he refuses.
We are not together anymore because of this situation. He and my mother, and sister, will never like each other, and I want to be happy. I love him, but I’m not going to keep turning away from my family. Life is a bunch of mistakes, and forgiveness needs to be sought, while the past will never change. I am just so torn between both sides, so I choose to be alone with my 3 kids so I can have a relationship with both sides.
He loves me and I know it. He uses what my mom has done in the past and throws it up in my face constantly. I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my mother to get closure for past wounds, and he’s not receptive to this and doesn’t understand my reasoning. I know my mom has done and said a lot to hurt me PERSONALLY, and she was not there for me when she was supposed to be, but that’s the past. I am ready for a new beginning relationship.
Why is he not receptive, understanding and or passionate about me getting closure and rebuilding my relationship with my mom? Is he jealous or trying to look out for my best interest because I am CONFUSED? – Trying To Rebuild
Dear Ms. Trying To Rebuild,
Girl, the most poignant thing you stated in your letter is: Life is a bunch of mistakes, and forgiveness needs to be sought, while the past will never change. Honey, you’re telling the truth. If only more people were so willing to forgive and move on to build loving relationships with their parents, and families, the world would be in a much better place.
I am a strong advocate of families learning to love and forgive one another. There are things that momma, daddy, your brother, and sister did to you, or said to you out of anger, frustration, or for whatever reason, but, Ba-By, when I tell you the power of forgiveness and learning to rebuild and reconnect with family is so powerful and amazing!
And, I am certain that the reason your ex-boyfriend can’t seem to get on board with you is because he’s hurt. And, when people are hurt they hurt other people. Which is why he is attacking your mother and sister. And, in the end the only people losing out are the children. For several years you kept your children away because you were hurt and angry. You and your boyfriend had a common bond at one time, and it was being against your family. But, once you grew, matured, and decided to forgive you moved on. However, your boyfriend is still in the same space. He hasn’t grown. This explains why your relationship ended. People outgrow one another. You’re in a different place, and he’s still holding on to the past. Chile, the past will do nothing but keep you bound to the past. So, while you’re moving forward, being happy, and reconnecting with family, he is bound to the past, and wants to stay angry and hurt, and you know what they say about misery – it loves company!
He needs time to heal his wounds, and it may take a while, but, he has to be willing to heal and move on. He has to get to a place in his heart and mind to say, “You know what, this isn’t worth it. Being mad, angry, upset, hurt, and bitter over something that happened months, years, and decades ago is not serving me, or my relationship. So, let it go. Forgive. And, move on.”
I can’t tell you the power of forgiveness and how it’s helped me with my relationship with my family. I could’ve stayed mad and upset with my momma, aunts, cousins, brother, and sister over something they said or did, but it wasn’t worth it. I missed out on so much valuable and important family time because I wanted to be stubborn and be mad. Chile, I let that stuff go. I gave it up, and moved on.
And, I’m proud of you for maturing. I’m proud of you for letting go what happened in the past. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. And, it has given you the power back over your life. Your children can enjoy their grandmother and aunt. You get to rebuild a relationship with them, and your family can heal and keep moving forward.
You can’t make your boyfriend do something he is not ready to do. He is not ready to move on. He is not ready to forget and forgive. I’m also certain that there are people in his own family that he probably holds grudges against, and is angry with. He sees that you’re happy, and he probably wants the same thing with whomever he’s holding a grudge against, but his pride and ego won’t let him do so. Because it will require him to forgive, and let it go. As a man, he probably has too much pride to let it go, so, he’s going to keep holding on to it. He doesn’t realize that it’s not serving him, or benefiting him. He thinks he’s right, and just for his anger. Therefore, until he is ready to let go of the hurt, anger, and pain, he will always be hurting, angry, and in pain. And, those emotions and feelings are like an old blanket, they are comfortable and they feel good. Sometimes you’ve got to wash the blankets, or get some new ones, and that requires adapting new feelings, emotions, and thoughts.
Don’t let that stop you from doing what you got to do. Enjoy your family, and this new journey that you’re on. And, until he can come around and be willing to forgive and move on, then you need to keep him at a distance because he will certainly try to bring you back to that dark and dismal place. He will constantly remind you of what your mother did, and what your sister did, but you can look at the present moment and say, “This is a new day. It’s new beginnings, and I refuse to allow what happened in the past dictate my future. I’m living life like it’s golden.” – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!