I’m a long time reader of your advice column and I used to always laugh at how silly some of the people who wrote you were to me.
I swore they were either fake or just plain old fools. Used to. Now, I guess I’m no better than they are. This letter is 100% real, from the heart, and I really need you to tell me what to do next because I’m at the end of my rope.
I’ve started dating a coworker about five years ago. We’re both married. He is the first and only man I’ve ever cheated with and will never again for the rest of my life deal with a married man, or cheat on my husband, EVER!
At first, I felt so guilty because we were just friends. But, to be honest, I had so many problems in my marriage that at the time we crossed the line and became more than friends it just seemed a lot easier to start sleeping with him than actually work on my relationship.
All was fine and good at first. He showered me with affection, attention, time, gifts and the best sex I’ve ever had. Then his calls and emails started becoming less and less. I knew he was seeing other women and I suspected they worked with us too although he never admitted it. I couldn’t take seeing him at work every day so I changed jobs, but we continued seeing each other every chance we could, for a while.
But, sure enough I started not hearing from him for days and weeks at a time. I was now the other woman to his other women. Fed up, I’d repeatedly try to break it off. And, I mean that I’ve tried to break up with him more than 10 times, but he always comes back, we sleep together, and then I feel like an idiot again.
The final straw for me was realizing that he’s seeing other women and telling me the same lies I heard him tell his wife when we worked together.
He used to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me, and how beautiful I was. But, when I looked on Facebook there are all these pictures of him and his wife and his wife’s family all out on vacations, hugging and smiling, and looking all happily ever after and lovey-dovey. I even told him I would leave my husband for him, but he obviously does not want that. I guess he just wanted the sex.
I was so blinded by love that his wife found out about me, but he called her on his cell phone when we were together one day and I actually lied and told her that I was not sleeping with him and we were only friends. It was all lies.
Well, I just broke it off with him again and told him that I never wanted to see him again or talk to him, and this time I meant it. What happens? After three days of breaking it off with him for good, I get an email from him saying he just wanted to say hi, which I believe is really him fishing for sex because that’s his method of operation. He emails to say hi, says he misses me, we meet for lunch, then we sleep together and I don’t hear from him again for weeks, until he wants it again.
I can’t take it anymore and feel like I will have an emotional breakdown if I don’t get off this rollercoaster ride. So, I’ve decided to confess and tell his wife everything hoping this will finally get him out of my life once and for all. I looked up her email address online and I’m ready to confess the truth. But, the kicker is I’m not ready to tell my husband anything and hope he never finds out about my affair. Am I wrong for doing this? – Sad, Hurting and Confused
Dear Ms. Sad, Hurting and Confused,
Ma’am, you and this letter! I….am…..at…..a….loss….for….words. This takes trifling to a whole other level. I can’t believe you wrote in and said you’re a married woman having an affair, and you’re upset, angry, and confused about the married man you’re sleeping with and how he’s sleeping with other women, including his wife, and because he’s being the hoe that he is and you’re the side chick to the side chicks, you want to reveal everything and tell his wife, but not tell your husband? Huh? Really! Really? The d**k must truly got you addicted because this is what happens when you’re stuck on d**k and some man blowing out your back.
I truly don’t understand how you married folks reach moments in your marriage where things are rocky, and you think the fix for your situation is to sleep with someone else. Rather than communicate and talk with your mates, discuss the issues, face them head on, work through them, and encourage and empower one another, you’d rather sleep with a stranger, coworker, or someone from your past because in all reality the only thing you really want is attention. You want someone to make you feel special, liked, loved, wanted, needed, and told the wonderful and special things your spouse used to tell you. But, you won’t communicate this to your spouse. You feel that to enact revenge on them because you’re mad at them, or you want to feel like you’re getting one over on them then you’ll have sex with someone else. SMDH!
First, you’re wrong for sleeping with a coworker. I don’t care how close you are, and the friendship you had with him. NEVER EVER SLEEP WITH A COWORKER. Look at your situation and what has resulted: You’re sleeping with him, and then you discover he is also sleeping with other women on your job. And, then your a** change jobs because you couldn’t take seeing him in the office. Sweetie, he is still doing the same -ish. Nothing changed just because you left. Hell, you made the situation better for him by you leaving. SMDH! And, on top of it all you continued sleeping with him. So, what did leaving your job resolve? I swear some of you don’t think or don’t have half the common sense you claim you have.
Then, you wrote, “It just seemed a lot easier to start sleeping with him than actually work on my relationship.” How is this logical or make any sense? So, sleeping with another married man justifies you stepping out on your marriage because it was easier to sleep with him rather than work on your marriage? Yet, here we are with you threatening to send his wife an email about you sleeping with her husband, but you’re STILL not going to tell your husband and work out your –ish? So, this is still easier for you? You truly are a bird!
But, let’s address this part of your letter, “He is the first and only man I’ve ever cheated with and will never again for the rest of my life deal with a married man, or cheat on my husband, EVER!” But, ma’am, you already cheated. So, you declaring you’ll never do it again does nothing to negate the fact that you have already done it. You need to be honest with yourself and tell yourself the truth. You are a cheater. You lied and deceived your husband. You are a contributing factor to this affair, and you being upset, angry, and mad at him because he is posting photos of him and his wife on vacations, looking lovey-dovey, and he lied to you about his intentions is the real reason you want to tell his wife. Come sweetie, be real and tell the truth!
And, that leads me to this and the real reason you’re mad and upset. You wrote: “He used to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me, and how beautiful I was. But, when I looked on Facebook there are all these pictures of him and his wife and his wife’s family all out on vacations, hugging and smiling, and looking all happily ever after and lovey-dovey. I even told him I would leave my husband for him, but he obviously does not want that. I guess he just wanted the sex.” Ding, ding, ding! Yes, you figured it out. After five years of going back and forth with him, letting him use you, and you refusing to walk away, you come to the conclusion that he only wanted you for sex. Wow, and it took you all of five years to figure it out. SMDH! But, you can’t stand the fact that he is smiling, hugging, and looking happily ever after with his wife in some photos you saw on Facebook. Girl, grow the “F” up!
So, no, telling his wife is not going to resolve anything. It will only backfire. It will create a big mess, and you will continue to go back and forth with him because your emotions are involved. We all know you will continue to sleep with him because like you said, he will call or send an email, you will respond, then you’ll meet up, have lunch, sleep together, and you’re back in the same cycle, AGAIN! You strung out on the “D.” I’m starting a group called “D**ks Anonymous.” When you walk in you have to introduce yourself and say, “Hi, my name is_____ and I’m addicted to d**k.”
Look, the real resolution to all of this is to sit with your husband and confess to him what you’ve been doing for the past five years. For once, be honest with him, and yourself. Instead of trying to hide it from him, tell the truth, and see how you can work on your marriage instead of trying to destroy someone else’s (which you are a contributing factor in doing already).
It’s time to stop avoiding what’s happening in your own home, and begin to work on that because if you don’t you will find yourself stepping out again, or keeping up the bull-ish affair you already have going on. And, be ready for the fallout, the heartache, the distrust you’ve created with your husband, and the very real possibility he may leave you. But, this is what you created. This all could have been worked out in the beginning, but now you have five years of collateral damage to clean up. And, it’s not going to be easy. So, be a big girl, put on your big girl underwear, woman up, and start the healing process with your husband.
And, truly eliminate the other man out of your life. Let him know it’s really and truly over. You’re going to work on your saving your marriage, and you don’t want wish for him to reach out to you anymore. That means you don’t answer his emails, calls, or texts, Delete him out of your life, and move on. If he keeps coming back, then you threaten him and let him know you have his wife’s email and will tell her everything if he doesn’t leave you alone. Good luck. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean